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What do you think of this?

I'm beginning to write a story and this is all I have so far.. so what do you think? Prologue Trasey When I was twelve, I got my first boyfriend. Naturally, as all twelve year old girls do, I fell in love with him. When I was twelve, I kept a diary, and I wrote down my feelings of love for this boy. My heart feels like its being squashed every time he looks at me. I feel like I can’t breathe when I’m around him. Nothing else matters any more. If he ever breaks up with me, I’ll die. As an eighteen year old, I read back on my twelve year old thoughts. As an eighteen year old, I realise that if my twelve year old thoughts are accurate, I have been in love more times that I can remember. So, as an eighteen year old, I come to the decision that what I was feeling as a twelve year old was not love, but merely an impression of love, or lust, some may refer to it as. And as an eighteen year old I come to the conclusion that if that is what it feels like to be in lust then I never ever want to be in love. Because my body would not be able to cope with another pressure. On the same day as I read these twelve year old thoughts, I come across my sixteen year old self’s bucket list. The fifth item on the list, right under ‘Bungee jump in New Zealand’ and right before ‘Eat Pizza in Italy’ is ‘Fall in love’. Ironic, seeing as I have just decided that this is one thing I never want to do. For a moment, I let myself think and come to the conclusion that it doesn’t really matter what the bucket list says, or what I want. My eighteen year old self comes to the decision that it cannot decide when it falls in love and chances are, it’s not going to happen in the next eighteen months. Did I mention that? I’m eighteen years old and I have eighteen months left to live. Stuart Death has always intrigued me. The idea that someone, a fixed object in time and space can suddenly cease to exist. Just like that, they are removed from existence, their very soul is gone. What intrigues me the most though, is the fact that even though they are gone, they somehow manage to live on. The winter wind that smells of roses, the little part of sea water that tastes nothing like salt, the sound of distant rain even though the land has been dry for months. So many people decide that they will never die. They believe themselves invincible and prove it to the world by jumping out of planes or diving off towers. Even though they believe it is somehow their own power, everyone knows that they are held by a string, or attached to a parachute. Some people, however, know that death is real and true and it is an inescapable part of humanity. For me the moment when I realised death was real was when I met Trasey Bourge. She was wild and crazy and so very interesting, yet at the same time, I didn’t want to get closer to her than the length of the table that separated us. She told me she was eighteen and had eighteen months left to live. It’s strange. Since I was five, people have put my life on a clock, telling me that I may not make it to Christmas, to my next birthday, to Easter, to see my sister get married. Death has lived on the corner of my street as long as I could remember, biding his time, waiting to move closer. Yet it wasn’t until I met Trasey Bourge, who was also trying to hide from death that I realised that death wasn’t just for me. Death could strike anyone at anytime. You just had to be next on its list. Thanks!

Public Comments

1. So far I really believe it's astonishingly not just good but great!The only things I want to add is you should always indent when you start a new paragraph and if you want this to be a real book,you would have to write more.
2. Whoa I honestly think this is amazing and I'd love to read your book when it's over!!
3. This was really good! I was surprised by the twist when she had 18 months left to live, that was a nice hook to keep your readers interested. Keep it up, well done!
4. I love your last lines--"Did I mention that? I’m eighteen years old and I have eighteen months left to live" but I think the rest of that paragraph needs work. Did you realize just how many times you wrote "twelve year old" or "eighteen year old"? Eleven. That's just a bit ridiculous. (And for the record it's "twelve-year-old" and "eighteen-year-old.") I don't have any other specific comments--your writing isn't outstanding, but it will improve the more you write. Just so you know, the traditional spelling of "Trasey" is "Tracey."
5. love it! love it love it! will you please look at my story?
6. You closing phrases or ideas on each paragraph are really good. The first one gets the reader's attention and the second one is kind of setting up what I get the feeling is going to be the plot of the story. I agree with someone else who answered earlier though, the first paragraph needs a bit of work. I understand the importance of her age, because it's like she's 18 and about to die, but at the same time I think you repeat it too much. Also there's something about the present tense which I find awkward... I don't know what it is though. Maybe it's because you have Trasey in present tense and Stuart in past tense, although it appears that they're talking about the same time. Like Stuart met Trasey when she had 18 months to live, but for him that's in the past, where as Trasey is at that point in her life right now, in the present... There's something awkward about that for the reader. I really like the idea, I think it has huge potential, but I also think it does need some crafting and some editing down. I hope this is helpful.