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I just don't know what to do anymore?

Im am currently 16, nearly 17and have been suffering from depression for the past two years, in the two years which have past my family has a horrible bad luck streak, full of anger, death (two through cancer), redundancy for both parents and each one of us falling apart in our own ways due to repeatedly having bad luck when before this began we lived as a nice, normal, happy, well off family . I have recently in the past two months discovered that i have serious anger problems that have come from nowhere which has lead to a bad case of anxiety as well as the first symptoms of bipolar which has scared me badly. I've felt like i have been loosing my mind for ages, i for the past week have even been having pure hatred thoughts and dreams what aren't my own but i cannot stop them even though i can feel myself trying. since my depression started two years ago and the doctor told me to deal with it myself which led me to the use of a wide range of illegal drugs so i could escape the torment of reality i suffered, which started off great but it gradually became my only way of becoming happy, so for the past two years i have spent getting high anyway possible, which has led to me becoming completely dependent on drugs to make me feel "normal again". i spent all of my final exams in school stoned so i could relax but by this i did not receive the full potential grades i could of, then soon after i started college but by then i depended heavily on drugs and had no motivation to go so dropped college so i could carry on getting high. After having a break down on Friday because i was sober for the whole day and had no way of getting the fix i needed and couldn't cope, which made me finally realize my problem what has only literally just come clear and that i now hate drugs and want to stop desperately but i cannot escape now, if i do i just start going crazy and get really angry, and i believe to solve all my other problems i need to conquer my drugs issue first, because it just enhances everything what is wrong with me when which i really don't want and frankly cant deal with. My mind a year ago had few suicidal thoughts but they went after a while, now they are back, worse and stronger than ever, i need help but the doctor wont do anything in till i see a counselor what we cant afford and the free one has a 6 - 8 month waiting list what i only recently been accepted on to, but i fear that will be to long and i am afraid what will happen seen as its getting worse rapidly now, so much i'm loosing it and i'm not even 17, which has scared me so much i lay awake all night thinking about what will happen. Also with my current random anger sprees i have lost all control of myself, and in the process i have lost some of my best mates and edged my family away from me. In the past two years a hell of a lot has gone on, way more than mentioned above but they were just the main problems i need to solve. so please someone HELP ME ESCAPE THIS LIFE! because i really am clueless on how to.

Public Comments

Try calling a suicide hotline and asking for a list of low-costing counselors and such around you. Tell them your family can't afford it but ask for advice on how to get help. You could try finding trustworthy people to talk to, whether they are online or not. Be VERY careful about the illegal drugs issue. You'd be arrested and shit. Harming your body isn't good. Your body doesn't deserve being mistreated. Maybe finding hobbies you enjoy could help. I've been through life's HELL, so I totally understand. You have no idea how bad my life has been, even though it's good now. I understand your feelings that are described here, so if you want to talk with me, feel free to. I'd never call the police on you or anything- I consider that to be betrayal. I know you don't feel strong right now but try to stay as strong as you can be. Don't keep those emotions bottled up. Hang in there; Hold on. A song that it sounds like you can relate to is "Goodbye(I'm sorry)" by And Then I Turned Seven. Maybe this song will help you to feel like you're not alone. I know that life is HARD, especially these types of lives. It's HARD to recover/find hope.
You need to pick a fight with someone that you wont get in trouble with. Also, my favorite drug is adderall, if you haven't tried it it may actually help. I only stick to weed and alcohol and adderall. No offense but you may have girl problems as well. You should prolly try to find a more neutral attitude than the negative angry one you have. You could prolly use a job too so youll have money and use free time. Why'd you go to test stoned and howd you get into college so early? You're gonna want to rethink your diet and drink water more often. Also try running, youll feel pretty badass. Your brain is composed of chemicals trying to balance and electric impulses
I'm terribly sorry dude I too am suffering from strong anxiety and depression, but I never did drugs because I knew I wouldn't be able to stop. You need to re connect with your family and friends they can help you through this as mine is doing. A part of this mindset comes from is being lonely I discovered. You need the love of your family it will sustain you and it will certainly make you feel better than any drug could. I don't want to get fruity but love is what keeps us alive whether its from our family, friends, soul mates its our primary support and without it we would be lost. I'm your age too dude I know how you feel, I may not have it as bad as you but I think I know a thing or too about what your going threw.
Ok I know times are rough and hard. I am not a counselor but I am suffering too. When I had my first child I suffered a little depression then it went away after I got away from an abusive relationship. Then 3 years later I had a son. I am now suffering deeply into Post-Partum Depression. Same exact thing your going through. My depression leads to sadness where I do cry a lot for no reason at all. Irritability/agitation where the littlest things would bother me and agravate me all day because I have a little OCD about being a perfectionist, and a lot of anxiety. It's been affecting my relationship with my boyfriend, my daughter cuz she can obviously see my different changes. It's been affecting my job. I've been out of work or 5 months until my pyshoschriast says it's ok for me to go back. She told me that I need a lot of support in my life to get me better I don't have any of that...my dad raised me after my poppie died and I hold a grudge on that and that's affecting my life. So my dad took care of me since I was born. When my mom feels like it shell come by or call but she don't. And that hurts and it's hard especially if your a young woman with two young kids. So having a broken home, no mom, and going through an abusive relationship 3 years ago put a lot of stress in my life and my doc wants me on meds if her counseling is not working but I don't like meds. I can't swallow pills. So depression hurts and it affects your life. If I didn't have to worry bout my kids I would be in heaven right now with poppie cuz sometimes I feel that the world and everyone would be better of without me. I think about that day and night. Please stay in there and hang on tight. Because even tho we are strangers and two different people we both have one thing in common. Be strong my friend!!