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Do you think this is good enough to get published?

I really want the truth even if it's harsh I'll give you a little sample: It was a perfect summer day. Natalie Davis was getting ready for her birthday party. She was clearing a spot on the table for the cake, but she had no idea that her life was about to be changed forever. Ding Dong “Mom, Sarah’s here!” Natalie yelled. She brushed her brown hair out of her face as she raced to the door. She was excited to get her birthday party started; she’d been waiting all last night and this morning. “Hi Natalie, how old are you today?” Sarah was holding a big box wrapped in birthday wrapping paper with a huge bow on top. “I’m thirteen today silly.” “Oh.” Sarah said with embarrassment. Sarah also had brown hair, it was much shorter then Natalie’s. She had very pretty green eyes that most people complimented her on. “Okay, let’s get this party started!” exclaimed Natalie’s mom as she put the birthday cake on the table. Natalie’s mom was a successful business woman. She was in advertising. Every other month her job carried her out of town on business, although she always tried her best to be home with Natalie. “Natalie, your father is on his way home with a big birthday surprise.” BAM The front door swung open slamming against the wall with such force, that the family portrait hanging on the wall came crashing to the floor, shattering glass everywhere. Everyone turned to see what interrupted the fun. Two uninvited men appeared. Both men had an earpiece, and were wearing black suits with ties, and dark sunglasses. They charged at them, one at Natalie and the other at Natalie’s mom and Sarah. As one of the men grabbed Natalie, she tried to fight back, kicking and screaming, but it was no use. As Natalie screamed for her mom, she saw that she was struggling to break free from the grips of her attacker. In her mom’s attempt to break free, she bit his arm with such intensity that the man’s initial reaction was to throw her to the cold tiled floor. As Natalie was being stripped from the comfort of her home, she could see her mother’s limp body lying on the floor with blood oozing from her mouth. The man, who took Natalie out of the house, put his hand over her mouth as he dragged her to a small car. He threw her into the back seat where another man was waiting, and slammed the door behind her. She tried to open the door, but it was already locked. Natalie was hysterical. “What do you want with me? Let me go! What did you do with Sara?” She threw herself into the door trying to get it open. The man next to her, grabbed her, turned her to face him, yelling at her to shut up. As soon as the first man got in the car, the driver ripped Natalie from life as she knew it. Although, most people would be terrified, for some reason, Natalie wasn’t. However, she knew she had to escape. Reaching for the door handle, she envisioned the taste of freedom as she yanked endlessly at it. As her vision grew deeper, she could feel the pain of hot needles tearing through her skin as her body hit the asphalt and rolled. She was sucked back to reality by the deep voice next to her saying, “Natalie, don’t fight it.” Then she realized that the pain she felt earlier was actually a needle sending a sedative through her veins.

Public Comments

1. I can tell you from the first line they will throw it out. Sorry, it's too.. done.
2. youre too blatant. youve got good principles, but in some respects, youre unclear, in others, youre too clear. like you blatantly state things: Natalie’s mom was a successful business woman. She was in advertising. Every other month her job carried her out of town on business, although she always tried her best to be home with Natalie. learn to let the reader draw some conclusions good foundation, though
3. It starts off way too fast, gets dramatic too soon. And it's really really confusing, and hard to follow. Spend a bit of time reading other novels, and learn from the different writing styles. As far as being overdone, I don't think it is. I've heard similar ideas, but this is pretty unique. I like the idea, it just needs some work. Don't give up though, you've got some real potential. =)
4. No. But I think its cool you're writing. You open right up with sarah did this, oh and by the way she looks like this, oh yeah, and Natalie has pretty green eyes. Then you randomly shoot into what her moms doing. You should let more things be inferred. Unlike yours where it tells everything: she was being ripped from her home, she was hysterical. The situation already implies this. You have a lot of sentence structure problems. For example, "The man next to her, grabbed her, turned her to face him, yelling at her to shut up" isn't a proper sentence. Better would be: The man next to her roughly turned her face towards him and yelled at her to shut up. The way you had it slowed the pace down, it was like he did (a) this, then (b) this, and then (c) this. It doesn't seem original, but that doesn't mean it won't be. It seems like your'e writing just to be published, or just for fun. There's nothing wrong with writing for fun, but unless you have an epiphany of a really original story line, it's not going to get published. If you want to be an author, I reccomend you start reading literature. Things by the Bronte sisters (Tenant of Wildfell Hall, Wuthering Heights, Jane Eyre) and Jane Austen. Then I would move on to Shakespeare, and then maybe more modern things. The Bell Jar (Sylvia Plath), Anything by Kafka, Lolita (Vladimir Nabokov) which you should definetly follow up with Reading Lolita in Tehran. It will inspire you and help your writing style. Right now it seems like your dialogue is merely there to propel some story that has no deeper purpose or emotion. Reading literature will help you to see the weight each word has. It will show you that it is not the events but the people and the social institutions that drive the story and its events. Even authors that right the fun entertaining novels (Stephenie Meyer, J.K.Rowling) were very well read before they wrote anything. Good Luck. Don't give up, if you want to be an author, you can.