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3rd chapter of Its Complicated? plz read!!?

Chapter 3: Warnings Should Be Taken Seriously When I was in the shower I was thinking long and hard about what Lance said. Maybe he’s right…I don’t know! But he won’t hurt me again! I know he won’t…he just really likes me. That’s it! Yeah. That’s the only reason…I hope. After I got out of the shower, I quickly changed. I texted my best friends. (we have 3 way texting.) Lizz- You shouldn’t have left me alone with him… Linds- WHY?? DID HE HURT YOU?? Frank- What did he do?? Lizz- Well we had a HEE-UGE talk about how I’m not in the relationship for sex… Linds- WHY?? Frank- He raped you, didn’t he?? Lizz- HE DIDN’T RAPE ME!! He only tried…I’m going to a party with him this weekend too! Frank- No you’re not!! He’ll hurt you!! Linds- Tell me everything later. I gotta go!! Love you!! Frank- Love you too!! Lizz- Love you too!! But I’m going to the party!! And there’s nothing you can do about it! Bye! ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> The next day was a Friday, and we didn’t have school. Something happened I guess…I heard a person raped a girl from our school in one of the classrooms. Not only did he rape her…he murdered her, too. I was a little freaked out! I watched the news, and the incident was all over! On all the news stations! Kinda freaky! It never showed a picture because he was underage. I started thinking of me being that girl and Kellan being the murderer…UGH! I decided to take a nap so I wouldn’t have to think about. I woke up at midnight, and the party was at 3:30! A.M!! I had four messages on my phone when I woke up. Lance- I heard he hurt you on your date! I heard it was Kellan who killed the younger girl. She’s in our grade. I think her name is Mara. Frank- I’m sorry! I told Lance. He does like you…a lot. Kellan- Hey babe!! Did you hear bout that girl?? Bad way to die! Linds- Don’t go to the party! I heard Kellan was the guy who killed Mara! Don’t go! ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> Why did they care so much if he hurt me? Well…I mean…yeah it would scare the hibby jibbies out of me too if he hurt one of my friends. But he wouldn’t hurt me! The next thing I realized, I looked at the clock, and it was 1:00. I had basically 2 hours to get ready!! I still had to do my hair, make up, and find a sexy outfit! I looked in my closet. There was a really cute mini skirt…I took that out, and just got a tank top and put it on. I decided to just put my hair up in a pony tail, and I did make-up slowly so I could think. What if it was Kellan who raped that girl? And murdered her? I could be next in line! Maybe I shouldn’t even go. He could hurt me worse today…I wish Mom and Dad were here, but NO! they had to take a stupid business trip! When I was done, Kellan texted me. Kellan- I’m on my way. Look hot. ;) Lizz- OK. But nothing stupid! Can Lance come? Kellan- That jerk?? NO! I want you all to myself. Lizz- Well I’m inviting him. Kellan- Fine. But then you know something bad will happen. Preferably from me. Lizz- If you lay one finger on me, I will be so pissed. And Lance is coming because he’s worried. Kellan- You know…you can totally expect something to happen if you keep warning me. I’m at your house. Come outside. Lizz- I don’t think I wanna go. Maybe Lance and Linds are right. I don’t think I wanna go. Kellan- YOU’RE COMING! DON’T MAKE ME COME UP THERE! Lizz- I’m sorry, but we’re over. Kellan- I’M COMING UP THERE TO GET YOU!! NOW!! That freaked me out! I didn’t think he’s the one to hurt people…but I guess I was wrong. I hear him coming! What do I do?? I’ll call Lance! I was dialing the number as he came in my room. I was panicking, so I asked him a question to stall him. “How did you know where my room is?? Are you stalking me??” I laughed at my own joke, but his face was still straight, and he looked mad. “OMG you CREEP!! Get out of my house! I will call the police! LEAVE!!” “I will stay, and you’re coming with me to that party! You don’t want your parents to come home finding your blood all over your room and your body on your bed…do you?” He smiled that scary smile…that I’ve learned to become scared of. I gulped, and I sensed he knew I was freaked out. “You killed Mara didn’t you?? Why? She was so young! She’s my age! Why would you do that?” I started sobbing as he put me over his shoulder to leave. “Like I said…younger girls are easier to get.” That’s when we got to the car, and he gave me a glass of water. I saw something dissolving in the bottom, but I was too thirsty to care. I drank the whole thing in a matter of seconds. We got to the party in 5 minutes, and when he picked me up…well that’s the last thing I remember. ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< When I woke up, I was in a dark room. I was really cold, and I realized the reason why in no time at all. Where are my clothes?? *gasp* Why is Kellan not wearing any clothes either? OMG AM I STILL A VIRGIN? “I really wanted you to yell at me for not being safe…but this way…I can have a child.” He smiled the evil smile again, why he put on a tux. I then remembered today was the dance! I started sobbing again. I’m only a teenager! Hardly! I’m a freshman! “Listen…if you got me pregnant, so help me! You will be in court between the time I know, and the time I cry.” After I said it, I realized it was the wrong thing to say! However, he came over to the bed with a dress. He then put it on me. He laughed at my expression. “You should be in this…well because today’s your dance. And I really wanted you to go. But…well you have made me mad the last time Lizz!” He grabbed a knife, and I screamed as he came towards me. The door bursted open, and Lance, Lindsay, and Frankly came in. Sarah trudged behind. Lindsay and Frankly looked at me and started to cry. Kellan grabbed me and pulled me towards him. He took me to the back of the wall, and put the knife to my throat. . “One step towards us, and your little friend here will be dead between now and…well the time you step towards us.” I was sobbing…so much it hurt my stomach. “I’m so s-s-sorry!! I didn’t want this to happen! I’m sorry Lance! I should have trusted you! I…I…I really like you.” Kellan looked at me with a look of sadness in his eyes. “So you only really liked him?? That’s it!!” and he cut me…not deep. But deep enough for me to lose a lot of blood, and pass out.

Public Comments

1. I liked the plot - it's believable and interesting. But the writing needs a lot of work. You use way to many exclamation points! It's overdone!!! Like this!!!!! There's too many!!!!!!! Take most of them out!!!!! See what I mean? They lose their effectiveness if you have too many. Your story is very, very jumpy. One second its, He likes me, then its, he's a murderer, then its, we're going to a party, then its, my friends are tied up and he's stabbing me. There's needs to be smoother transitions, rather then going from one action to the next. The only part I found ridiculous was the whole glass of water in the car with a dissolving pill in it and she drank it because she was thirsty. That's a little farfetched. Maybe if she took a swig of his bottle of water that was sitting in the car that he had laced in the hopes she would drink it. But other then that, you've got a good story line. Keep at it and keep writing and you'll get much better.