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How can you get a stay at home mom to understand the life of a working mom?

**Disclaimer - As a working mom, I have NOTHING against stay at home moms. It's not my business what you choose to do.** Ok, here's a short version of the story. I have a friend who is a stay at home mom. She can't seem to understand that I drive 45 min to work, drop off Johnny, work all day, go pick up Johnny, drive 45 min home, I'm lucky to have 30 min - 1 hour to play with him outside or something, and then we have to go eat dinner, get him a bath and then it's almost bed time. She doesn't get it and is upset with me because I don't come out to her house like every other night. I'm *exhausted* and to top it off, she lives an extra 30 min away from me, one way. I've tried to explain this over and over to her and every other month, she's pissed at me again. Any suggestions? (PS, Brody's Mommy thinks I'm really brave for asking this question here, LMAO) How did I know someone was going to try to twist this into a debate? thumbs down fairies came to visit. Sorry guys, thumbs up for everyone!

Public Comments

You don't. Just like I will never understand the life of a SAHM... until I do it.
Why don't you have her visit you for a change. Tell her it would be more convenient for you etc.
A real friend does not have to agree with you, but will at least hear you and respect what you have to say. She sounds bored and in need of company. Maybe set something up for a weekend day where she brings her child over for a playdate. If she's unwilling to travel to see you, then there is a bigger issue here!
Well, as someone who went back to work after my maternity leave and am now a SAHM I can firmly say that being a working mom is much harder. I was exhausted all the time - running to drop him off and pick him and getting him home with barely enough time to feed him and see him and put him to bed. It sucks, it's why I quit. I don't see why she doesn't understand this. Why won't she come over to your house if she wants to see you.
You've already done what you can. If she is not willing to accept the fact that you lead a very busy life, then she isn't really much of a friend, is she? Is there something stopping her from coming to visit you? If not, suggest she make the trip every other night. I would never be mad at someone, nor expect them to do more then they can handle.
I'm a stay at home mom, and I can get that. I think the problem is her empathy circuits, not the way she spends her day. ;-)
LMAO! Lol. Im right threre with ya girl, there is NO TIME! for stuff like that during the week.
well, i understand the life of a working mom and empathize with them. i am a SAHM for now (until our youngest starts school) and i feel sorry for working moms. there just isnt enough time in the day for them to do everything that needs to be done. i have no idea what it would be like to only see my kid a couple of hrs a day, i would feel as if i ddint even know them, and that is sad.
I agree with the previous answer...I think she's bored. She probably has no one to talk to all day and since you're her friend she wants you to come over and spend time with her. Just nicely explain that you would love to hang out but it will have to be on the weekend.
I don't think this should have anything to do with her being a sahm at all. I think this has more to do with her not understanding that you have a life outside of her and her wants Why is it that as a sahm people think I should be expected to have company bc after all, all I do is sit on my butt right? This has more to do with someone who doesn't understand being a mom, I'm not sure what working or not has to do with it!
i think the woman is just a little thick headed if you ask me. i'm not sure where the loss of communication is but any mother should know what all that mothers do. once you become a mom - however you spend your day - you lose the ability to just hang out like you used to. especially when your kids are little. its no fun dragging toddlers around to other peoples houses. she should understand that. if she can't, i have to wonder what else she doesn't get....
Why bother? So what if she's pissed off. Did it ever occur to you that maybe she's just one of those people who want her way all the time, therefore just refuses to understand? And if you are looking for vindication, you have it. I completely understand, that is my biggest problem with being a working mom. I get maybe 1 to 1.5 hours a nite with my child before her bed time and part of that is spent cooking dinner! I don't want to go any where or have anyone over. Su pm-Th. are my time! Now I'm willing to go hang on Friday nights for dinner or something, because I can keep my babe up a little later, if she'll let me. And if she isn't totally nasty from daycare she can skip her bath and we can do it Sat morning. But anything between Sun. night and Friday afternoon is off limits to anyone but me and my child. Unless of course I'm taking some days off during the week.
I'm a SAHM but not for long..and i totally get you, there is nothing in your question that was hard to understand?? Maybe shes having a hard time and feeling a little needy or something? She should really understand though that you would rather spend your last minutes with Johnny than to go to her house. You should ask her to come to *yours* and make it their for when your LO is in bed. Then she cant complain she hasnt seen you.... All the best x
Girl, I have had your life so I get it. I think that's truly the only way. I have been the single mom holding down school and 2 jobs at once. It is VERY hard and very exhausting! I don't think she'll ever get it unless she's lived it.
I don't think you can. I too am a working mom, out of necessity to put food on the table, not out of desire to be a career woman. I would love to be a SAHM but have come to the realization that is just not in the cards for us. DH woks very hard, but there is just no way we can swing it on his income. That being said, I tend to get very irritated when everyone says, SAHM's work 24 hours a day. Well you know what? Working moms work 24 hours a day too. I get up for the night feeds, I have to do the same amount of laundry and house cleaning, I have to comfort a crying child in the middle of the night, and, I also have to get up the next morning and get myself and my children up, fed, dressed and out the door by 7 a.m. I think some SAHM moms think working moms have it made with a life outside the home, but I think they often don't realize that many of us would give anything to be in their shoes if it was possible.
My husband never understood this either. Then one day (it was a weekend), I suggested we switch places. Granted, we only had our daughter this stage. At first, he was reluctant, so I gave him a small taste. He used to argue about what I did all day, so I didn't do anything that day. The house was totalled, dishes and laundry weren't done, Zoe wasn't dressed, bathe, or anything, food on the floor, etc. That smartened him up quickly, but the following weekend I left the house at the same time he did in the morning, and didn't come home until he usually does (5:30am to 2:30pm). When I got home he apologized for thinking all I do is sit around and play on the internet all day. He began to appreciate everything I did. Why not try that? Ask if she wants to "switch" places for a day. Offer to find her some volunteer work for the same hours that you would be gone as offer to look after her kids. That way you both get a taste of what it's like to be in each other's shoes. That's the greatest way to learn appreciation.
I don't think your problem has anything to do with stay at home moms, hon. You are just dealing with an unreasonable person. She would be an unreasonable person had she been a working mother. I am a stay at home mom and would never think about putting any further stress on you like that. My best friend for the last 25 years is a career woman. She lives about an hour away. I haven't seen her in almost 3 months due to my family being sick, her being sick and work issues she has been dealing with. If I can't understand that, then I am no friend, SAHM or not. She will be coming down to visit this weekend, and we are all so happy to get what time we can with her. Being mad solves nothing and just makes everyone stress out for nothing. Does she think that you would choose everything else above her? Maybe just reassure her that is not the case one more time. If she still doesn't get it, just let it slide off you like water. If she is a good friend, just tell her to stop the guilt trips. If she isn't, you might want to put some distance between you and her. Or get some more understanding SAHMs, LOL!!!
Sadly she probably wont ever understand what it's like until she gets a job of her own. I'm a stay at home mom, but there was a point where I had to put in applications, I didn't get a job ha ha, and my fiance ended up getting a really good one. But I remember I already worked a schedule out and everything for when I went back to work, and it was horrible. After doing that I have to give props to every working mom I know. I haven't actually lived the working life, but after sorting out what I would do I realized that it is truly hard to juggle all of that! And she wont realize it until she is put in the same situation, if she ever is. You can probably try to explain until your blue in the face and it will probably do no good. Offer to meet up for lunch one weekend or something. All of my friends work and I'm the only stay at home mom, I don't bother them during the week, but sometimes we do meet for lunch or a play date or something on the weekend. Just tell her your schedule is too busy during the week and you don't have time to meet up or anything like that.
I've done both, and it's very hard to explain the other side to someone. You can't understand until you do it. You might consider seeing it from her point of view: she probably needs adult interaction. When I worked, the hours were exhausting. my job was intense, then I came home to a messy house, a hungry baby and a husband who wanted to know where dinner was. Now, I am able to take a nap sometimes, and I have time to keep laundry caught up, but I'm terribly lonely. She may need to branch out and find other friends so that she's not so completely dependent on you. It's hard to make new friends, but it sounds like that's what she needs. Is she able to come to your house at night? Can she keep your son one day a week so you can all socialize that night? Is there a new mom's support group that you can attend together? I agree that your friend is being too demanding of you. A working mom has an exhausting schedule, and she needs to be empathetic of that. I just wonder if you've considered her point of view? You'll figure something out. We're all super moms; we always figure it out.
SOME people just simply won’t get it. Ever. I am so tired by 7:00 pm that I want to just snap my fingers and have dinner on the table, laundry done, Dylan bathed, and my feet massaged all with a glass of wine. And well, that doesn’t happen. Last night I didn’t stop doing laundry until 11:30 pm. It’s just the way it goes sometimes. As a friend, she should understand your busy schedule regardless of whether you work or stay home. Sometimes we just can’t make it all happen and you certainly can’t make everyone happy!
I understand, because I worked for a few months. It's hard to explain it to her. I know. Invite her over. This is tough. You might just wind up living your relationship with her angry with you most of the time.
Honestly I don't think your stay at home mom friend CAN truly understand it, any more than YOU can fully put yourself in her shoes either. They really are too vastly different worlds - neither good or bad of course, but different. I've been in both places as a mom of 4 and now working outside the home full time I wish I could GO BACK HOME full time! Being a full time Mom doesn't stop just because you have to go to a J.O.B. but unlike her, you are both bread winner and mommy. She probably needs the break of seeing and spending time with you, her friend and YOU need the break of rest at HOME when you aren't at work.... MAYBE you can come up with a moderate middle ground or time for you to get together each month without you feeling pressured and without her getting mad at you cuz you AREN'T available. The old saying "walk a mile in your sisters shoes" is very applicable here and until she does - you can't expect her to fully empathize.
I feel your pain! I have 2 friends that are SAHMs. At least 3 times per week I get a text from one of them at 7:30pm, asking me to come over for a visit. 7:30????? My son goes to bed at 8:00 and has to get up at 6:30am. Just because they and their children get to stay up til all hours of the night and sleep in the next morning doesn't mean we all have that luxury. I just politely tell them (over and over and over again) that I worked all day, cooked supper, played for a short while, and now it's time to get the kiddo to bed. Maybe one day it will sink in.
As so many people have already said, I don't think the problem is that she's a SAHM; it's that she seems to have no empathy whatsoever. You've explained it pretty well. I don't think she's even trying to get it. Sounds like she's a little self-centered and high maintenance. Is her car broken? Suggest that she visit you. If she won't agree to that...well, you may just have to let it go. Or put up with her being ticked every month. Depends how much the friendship is worth to you.
You know, she probably really does - but really misses your friendship and spending time with you. I'll bet that's all it really is.
It's not your job to make her understand. Don't add even more to your plate that you don't absolutely have to. If she's that adamant about having "play dates" during the week day, during dinner time no less...tell her to feel free to truck her butt on over to your house...maybe on a friday night.... But every other night during the week?? She's nuts. I don't care if someone is a SAHM or a working mom...either way...nights during the week...are school nights...and generally they are spent at home...period. She can't be that completely ignorant...some one in her house must work..she HAS to have a clue as to what your situation must be every night...she just wants what she wants. Quite frankly...I think you should give her some of her own medicine...go ahead and let her be pissed...because she's being selfish. A friend shouldn't find it that difficult to respect her friends wishes and have a little empathy. *************************************************** OH YA...and just for good measure.... Ahem..."GAWD Johnny's Mommy!!! How can you be so mean and bag on SAH moms like that?!?!?!? Jeez...I just can't believe you!!!" ** ;) **
I worked for many years as a nurse and recently quit to be a sahm and love it. I have been on both side os the track and am sorry to say that your friend is right to be upset. She is alone all day with kids doing all the house work. Kids are more exhausting than any job and she is looking for some one to talk to. It gets very lonely and menautanous staying home with the same routine every day. I would try a little harder to make time for your friend.
I just don't think you'll be able to get her to understand it. It doesn't take a genius to figure out, "oh, she doesn't have as much time as I do at home" I mean c'mon basic math...working a full day, commuting, and taking care of the home...hmm the working mom's time must be limited... I make my SAHM friends come to me, they all understand that I have no time to go and visit them through the week. We've had the discussion often enough of a working mom's life compared to a SAHM's life, one isn't better than the other, both have great rewrds and challenges.