Latest Lists - Am I being inappropriate?

Am I being inappropriate?

Okay so here's a little information: I'm sixteen and my girlfriend just turned seventeen. We're teens, is the bit to take from that. I'd willingly tell you that I love this girl with all my heart and hope to continue that course for some time. And we've been dating over a year. We're both very down-to-earth people. We live about twenty minutes apart and at the time of these stories, neither of us drove so we relied on our parents to get us to each other. Possibly most important is that we are both virgins. To this day. My mother has a way of learning about every little thing I do for her. From the slightest expense to the biggest gift, it comes to her somehow. All events are past, since now I know her limits for me... Before I continue, I must voice my opinion here. I personally believe my mother lives in another time where teenagers behave very differently from behaviour now. So the first bit happened on the 2008-2009 new year. I was having an incredibly difficult time getting home after her friend's new years party. Her mom had been drinking a bit, cast her out of the driving scheme. My dad hadn't been drinking but he was ready to hit the floor at about eleven. So I proposed that I just spent the night at her house. Now before passing judgment, the criteria are drastically different from how they sound. First: Her mother and brother are extremely protective, she is the youngest in her family. Second: I would NOT have been and out of respect would not have asked to be sleeping in her bed. Naturally. The way the layout of the house was, I would sleep in a bed upstairs. I had NO intention of doing so, but in order to sneak into her room, I would have to get past her mom, a light sleeper, and her brother, who may not have been asleep at all, and is also rather light. So nothing bad could have gone down. But both of my parents insisted it was inappropriate and dad took me home at one in the morning and drove nearly as bad as drunk with his tiredness. And is it inappropriate today for a boy to spend time with his girlfriend in her room? Vice versa? We spend a lot of time in each others rooms, door always open and her rather protective brother just down the hallway. No funny business. But mom insists I'm being inappropriate and disrespectful It could just be my own skewed view of everything. I'm just a kid, after all. And I love to sound like a typical teenager, so I'll go ahead and say that many of my friends do the same if not far "worse" with their girlfriends of much less time and commitment. I'd prefer mature, well-thought out answers to help me with this. I'm very careful with whom I would share this with, but none of my close friends can give me a straight answer. So here I am. The ultimate question is the same bold one up top: Is that inappropriate? Thanks for taking the time to read and respond, it means more to me than you could know.

Public Comments

I don't think so at all, I think you just have over-protective, old-fashioned parents.
It is as simple as this: "Not your house, not your rules." Regardless of how appropriate or respectful something is or isn't; if you don't own the place, you don't make the rules. Just another way of looking at it.
i am a mom of a 16 year old girl and an 18 year old boy. i think that if you are ever in a bind for getting home safely, you should be allowed to spend the night at your girlfriends house, in another room. when there, respect the fact that you are under her parents roof, and be most considerate.your girlfriend too should have to option to stay at your house overnite if ever in a bind. she can either sleep on the couch , or you can give up your bed. do not sleep together under any of theses cirumstances.
I have a rule that says it's up to the host (in this case, your girlfriends parents) to decide what's appropriate and what's not. After all, it's their home. Maybe you could convince your parents to talk with your girlfriends parents in a future situation like this one?
you are so sweet. no honey, it's not inappropriate at all. My parents never let me do that either. when my boyfriend and i got older (much older, 26 and 28 actually), we got married, and now i still feel it was unfair from our parents to make us lose so much of our time together because of their retrogressive view of the world. and finally, even if you sneak out to her room.. what are going to do? make love to her? and so what? do they want to keep her virgin for ever? it's just irrational and unfair
I appreciate your well expressed issue. You sound very mature in your attitude. Your mother just wants you to stay on the excellent track that you are on now and is experiencing some qualms about her growing lose of control. Tell her that you respect her concern for your welfare. She has your best interests in mind. It sounds to me as though you are doing right, but Mother knows that it only takes one slip to saddle you with the responsibility of paying 1/2 to 1/3 of your salary in child support for the next 18 - 21 years. Grandma
Every story has two sides, so I am going to tell you what I see. Personally I don't think it was inappropriate. I would not want my kids to be having sex at your age, but as you said nothing happened. This was not some girl you had just meet, but your girlfriend whom you have known for a long time. I also don't believe in the idea of NOT having sex before marriage. I think you need to try everything out properly in a relationship before you commit to living together forever. Not that I am saying you should have sex or get married tomorrow, as I said I thik you are both still very young, but perhaps that is just me. However one of the most important things to consider here is that you are living with your parents and they are looking after your best interests (unless they beat you, in which case they aren't). They can see things and have been through things that you have not or cannot see or understand, regardless of your "maturity". They honestly believe that through their love for you they are protecting you from bad things. STD's, pregnancy, etc. The fact that you say nothing was going to happen is irrelevant. Would you have told them if you were? But I don't want this reply to be about trust issues, because that is something else altogether. I will also say (even though you will not like it) that many educated people get married later and later now. You are not yet out of High School, maybe still university to go and then to find a job. These things change us in amazing ways, mature us and open our eyes to different things. Sorry to say it, but there is a very high likelihood that this girl will not be the one you are with in 20 years time. In sumary I would have to say your parents could loosen up a bit but you should also understand why your parents do what they do. Try and look at it from their perspective, as well as your own. Good luck
as far as the new year's thing goes, not at all. you would have been sleeping in a different room. heck, after my senior prom I slept over at my date's house, and we weren't even particularly close friends (maybe that had something to do with it, but I doubt it would have been a problem even if we were dating. I just slept in a spare room, and no one had the slightest problem with it. as far as the general "spending time in each other's rooms", that is a bit trickier. With her older brother down the hall, and the door open, your mother is overreacting. You are sixteen, and you sound very mature and respectful. I honestly cannot see a problem with that, and it sounds like your girlfriend's mother doesn't mind either, and that should be the important opinion. Maybe have your mother/father discuss it with your girlfriend's mother, who is someone she will listen to. I know it is tough, but I would guess that anything you said would be dismissed by your mother out of hand, just because you said it. there is one thing that you said early on that I want to comment about. it was saying that "I personally believe my mother lives in another time where teenagers behave very differently from behavior now." While that may be true, it does not mean that it is wrong. Granted, your mother's view is extreme, and has been on it's way out of the western world for quite a while, though still strong in different cultures (in Saudi Arabia you could potentially go to jail for doing what you do, though that is another issue all together). That said, it sounds like you also live in a different time, because it sounds like you haven't done any "funny business" with your girlfriend, and that, while not "modern", is very admirable. All in all, you have been appropriate. Try to discuss this with your girlfriend, and her with her mom, and her mom with your mom. And remember to always respect your girlfriend.
no
I do not think that most people would consider this inappropriate. However, it might lead to others staring inappropriate rumors... and those rumors could have serious side effects. So there is a lot here that depends upon the abilities of various people to handle some of those side effects. You say that your mother finds out everything you do. This actually says quite a lot. It means that there is an extensive network of "people who talk". These people pass along bits of gossip... which might be truthful, or not. Quite often, it can be difficult to believe a teenager's assertions that "nothing happened"... often because they don't WANT to believe it ("nothing happened" does not make for very good gossip... that is why news programs have a tendency to sensationalize). Your mother could be trying to protect you, your girlfriend, or perhaps herself from the effects of such gossip. I would talk to your mother. I would ask her, "do you trust me?". Then I would tell her, "look, you've raised me very well. You've raised me to recognize right from wrong, and you've raised me to respect myself and others. I'm not going to do something that sacrifices all that..." Next I would explain the situation... "but I also know that you want for me to be safe. I was in a situation where it seemed to me that I could not get home safely. Finally, "I know that people around here talk, and that this could lead to appearances for those people to talk about, but the people who are important to me will know the truth, and anything else is just the prattle of nobodies who want to appear important and all-knowing. But I don't want to hurt you..." Respect your mother, and discuss the matter with her openly and honestly. Ask her if she can be hurt by unfounded rumors. Also, ask her for her advice on what she would have done in the same situation.
You are correct in your thinking that your mom lives in another time....most moms do. Times change dramatically from one generation to another. Case in point: In 1975 when I was a sophomore in high school, one of my friends did not come back from summer break. We didn't see her for the entire school year, and no one knew where she was. Her parents told us that she was spending the year "with family in another state". When our junior year rolled around she was there, and of course we all asked where she'd been. Turns out, she had become pregnant and her parents sent her away to a home for unwed mothers, where she carried out her pregnancy, delivered her baby, and was pretty much forced to give it up for adoption. Now, I know what you're thinking........."big whoop!" teenage girl gets pregnant. Happens every day. Well, not back then. It was absolutely SHOCKING. No one we knew had gotten pregnant (and this was a fairly large school in a Houston suburb) "out of wedlock". And it was horrifying! Our parents refused to allow us to socialize with her, she was not welcomed in our home and her own parents were ostracized in our community. So, you can see the difference between generations here. In my younger daughter's high school senior class (it was a smaller school than mine had been) almost half of the girls had either BEEN pregnant, or WERE pregnant. I'd like to think we're more enlightened, tolerant, and accepting nowadays. I think I am. But the subject of teenage sex is still a sensitive one. And when people think of two teenagers in the same bedroom, of course.....sex is what is suspected. My answer to your question is this: If these teenagers are 13 or so, I would consider them more on the side of "kids" than adults and spending time together in a bedroom is as appropriate as if they were watching cartoons when they were 10. If these teenagers are 16 or older, I place them more in the "adult" side of teenager-dom and equate their behavior with that of adults. Is it appropriate for an adult man and an adult woman to spend time together in the bedroom? The answer to THAT is my answer to your question.
IT IS NOT APPROPRIATE if that is what your parents say. I don't CARE what all the other spoiled selfish brats out there tell you, it IS their HOUSE, you ARE a minor, AND they make the rules. You could both be straight A students and both go to church every Sunday, but it really does not matter. My daughters would LOVE it if I let them have their guy friends come over and hang out in their room - but that is NOT going to happen. Call me old fashioned, call me a square, I simply do not CARE. I am not about to CONDONE giving them ANY chance to make me a Grandmother under MY roof. They are both great kids, but I KNOW all too well the power of HORMONES.