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English Story redone need some opinions!!?

Ok so I gave my story to my teacher and she said it is worth an A--. So I have added a bit cuz she said not to worry about the word limit. If you didn't read it last time then I had to pick a song then write a story about it. The song I picked was Untitled by Simiple Plan. Please Critique!!!! Thanks!! I open my eyes, I try to see but I’m blinded by the white light. I can’t remember how, I can’t remember why I’m lying here tonight. There’s a noise, a loud noise, I don’t know what it is. It’s like someone’s trying to crush the car into a million little pieces. I try to scream, but no sound comes out, just a low gurgling noise and something warm and sticky fills my mouth. I close my eyes and hope it all goes away, the pain, the noise, everything. I just want it to stop! I want it to be over! I hear a scream, it sounds far away. “She’s bleeding! Her mouth is bleeding!” It’s the same person as the one who screamed. The girl’s voice sounds familiar but I can’t think of who it is. I take a breath to try and think but no air comes; instead the warm liquid rushes down my throat. I try to think about what the girl had said, suddenly I realise, it’s blood. I try to cough to get the blood out of my lungs but it doesn’t work instead more blood flows down my throat. I can’t breathe! My eyes are getting heavy! I can’t hold on anymore! The pain is leaving my body. “Slow down! You’re going to crash!” screams Becky, but she’s not serious, she’s laughing along with all my friends “Don’t stress Becky, I’m a pro driver, we’re not going to crash!” I laugh. I turn around to look at my little sister, she looks happy but scared all at the same time. I have just gotten my P plates! It’s amazing, the freedom, being able to go from place to place without an adult, it’s like a dream come true. But before I was allowed to take my parents car out I had to promise that I wouldn’t do anything reckless or stupid and definitely not try to act cool in front of my friends. Of course I promised and I didn’t plan on doing anything stupid, but when I got onto the highway and saw that there was not a car around, I just thought what the hell. It’s not like I’m going to crash. I hear one of my friends scream but I can’t understand what they are saying. I turn back around to watch the road, but it’s already too late. I have veered on to the wrong side of the road and there is a truck coming straight at us. I try to swerve but the truck still hits the back of our car and pushes us down the bank. The car is rolling and I can hear the screams of my friends and my sister. I hit my head on the window and everything goes black. The pain is back. “Becky” I try to say but the words still won’t come, just more blood. I hear someone say internal bleeding, but it means nothing to me. The noise has stopped and then without warning the roof of the car comes off. I’m petrified, I long for my mum to come and tell me that everything is going to be alright, to hold my hand and make the pain stop. I want to be a little kid again! I try to cry but the sobs won’t come, I just keep choking on the blood, my blood. My lungs are burning as they come down to their last little supply of air. I’m starting to get dizzy again, my head is spinning. “Please make it stop!” I want to scream but I can’t! My eye lids feel like they weigh a tonne, I can’t keep them open anymore! I’m done fighting this! I can’t stop it any longer! I let my eyes slide shut. “NO! Stay with me!” I hear a voice but it sounds like it’s miles away. I’m starting to feel numb, I welcome it. As the night goes on I’m fading away.

Public Comments

1. In the 2nd paragraph you kind of switch tenses in the wrong place, it should be "I just thought what the hell. It's not like I was going to crash" [was instead of I'm going to] Great added detail! Congrats :)