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Future Mother in Law Wedding problem?

I apologize for the length of this question, I appreciate your advice. My fiance and I decided to have a very small (only close friends and close family) destination wedding and then throw a catered party (basically the reception) at my parent's house when we get back for everyone else. I have alot of friends and family, but am only inviting those family members I am extremely close to and my best friends. Everyone on my side of the family has been very supportive of this decision and those who I could not invite to the wedding are excited for the reception. When I asked my future MIL for her list- I was honestly expecting very few people as my fiance's parents barely speak to most of their relatives and they have much less family and friends than I do. I told her it was going to be a small private ceremony but she could feel free to invite many more people to the reception at my parents place. So she sends me this outrageous wedding list including second cousins, neighbors, and people she does not even speak with. I was completely confused and thought it was the list for the reception- but no it was for the wedding. When I told her that the list was just too big she started to cry saying I was going to cause drama in her family and asking me why I could not just have a large wedding close to home. I promptly gave the phone to my fiance who calmly explained to her that she needed to narrow down her list as my fiance and I (and my parents) are the ones who are paying for the wedding. He told her if she needed to have more people there- she could pay for it - which she declined to do. She has since sent me emails explaining why each person she listed including great aunt marsha who my fiance has never met in his life needs to be invited! She told me they would send great gifts. I explained to her that I myself was not inviting my neighbors, second cousins, etc. and couldn't care less about the gifts (we live in a small condo and don't need anything). She again said that I did not understand what drama and mess this would cause with her family by not inviting everyone on her list. Has anyone else been in this situation before? If so how did you handle it? Should I bite the bullet and invite all these strangers? Do I let my fiance handle her? Help please....

Public Comments

Its your wedding, invite who you want. She might not like it, but that is life. You need to be asking your future husband who he wants there, not your mother in law anyway. You put her in it. You asked her for the list. Next time be careful what you ask for. Tell her you can have the wedding at a bigger place, but you will need help renting a bigger place and paying for extra seating and what not. If she is not willing to help pay, then I guess her list don't matter much do it?
Give her a quota. Tell her this is the maximum capacity your budget and the facility will allow. Also tell her that if she would like to finance her own reception for you guys, that she can invite who she wants, and that you would welcome that idea.
its ur wedding not hers...u tell her how it is....that those people aren't coming no if and or buts.ur not even married yet and shes starting run ur life...btw shes the one causing drama
At least you aren't marrying a momma's boy lol Both of you stand united, stick to what you want. It's your day. Not everybody has a lot of money to go away like that so they will eliminate themselves. I think your idea for a destination wedding sounds great. It is thoughtful of you to have a reception close to home for people who can't be at the wedding.
This sounds similar to a friend of mine's wedding. They wanted no more than 50 people attending a small garden wedding, but somehow his mother didn't get the point and had a looong list. My advice to my friend, and you, is if MIL refuses to narrow the list herself, then your fiance should narrow it for her, and only send wedding invitations to your altered list. Then send reception invites to everyone else on the list.
Don't bite the bullet now, or you may be biting them forever. You are very fortunate that you and your fiance are on the same page - it could be worse. My guess is that this is a big status thing for your MIL, and she wants EVERYONE to see it. Politely but firmly give her a number that will be observed by all others. Once you're at the reception, it will be history. And...Best Wishes!
She is being unreasonable, I wouldn't give in or she might think she can pull this crap on you the rest of your marriage! Put your foot down. Tell her that she may blame it on you and your fiance. People should understand it is not HER wedding to invite people to. It sounds like you have tried your hardest but I would have your fiance just say "Mom, I am sorry you don't like it but this IS the way it is going to be. It is our wedding and we want it small and intimate and not with a bunch of people we don't really know." Shoot Id tell her if she doesn't like it SHE doesn't have to come! Sorry not great advise but I feel for ya!
You need to stop discussing this with her. Tell her how many people she can invite and the date by which you need to know who those people are. Tell her that this is all you can do. When she calls, let your fiancee deal with her. She is more likely to forgive him eventually--since he is a blood relative--than you. That said, this is the problem with destination weddings. People do end up feeling excluded and/or like they are being expected to spend too much or travel too far. It isn't exactly a family- and friend-friendly decision to have a destination wedding, so you should be prepared to deal with some criticism.
No you do not bite the bullet and give in to her. She will try to pull this over and over again in your life if you do. She was told what you two were going to do up front and if there is drama she is the one that caused it. Stick to your plans and let her get over it. You and your fiance need to have a united front when dealing with her. If she things she can bully him into bullying you then you will have to live with that for the rest of your marriage as well. This is the beginning of your new life and you need to start it the way you and your fiance want to. Do not take any crap off of family now or at any time.
the only person who should be handling your future MIL is your fiance, not you. if he cant handle her, then he's part of the problem too. as for you, stick to your plans. invite only those you intended to invite in the first place. stop answering her emails & her phone calls about this matter. dont even read the emails & make sure your fiance knows you arent reading them (you know that somehow that fact will get to his mother... which is a good thing). just forward all emails to your fiance. that will make her understand that if she wants to get her way in your marriage, then she'll have to go through him. the only one who should be disputing with her should be him. the more you respond, the more she'll think the topic is open for debate with you. it's going to just be a vicious cycle between you two. make sure before you get married that your fiance agrees that any disruptions having to do with his mother will solely be his responsibility. that you will never deal with her when she gets in this type of mood. you will be civil & polite with her about neutral things, but that's it. all negotiations/ debates/ requests will be worked out between him & her, but with the clear & solid understanding that your fiance always stand firm on every decision you two as a couple have agreed upon beforehand. if he doesnt understand and agree to this, then good luck with the mama's boy bringing his mama into the marriage.
Do not let this woman gain control of you and your fiance now or you will have to deal with it the rest of your married life. Do not bite the bullet. Tell this woman that there are no further discussions on the matter that she can trim the list down or you will. If you told her only immediate family and very close friends are to be invited, do just that invite any close relatives of her's (like brother's and sisters, other children of her's, friends that you know are close to her). I do think you should send out marriage announcements to the others after you are married inviting them to the party to celebrate your marriage and stipulate no gifts. I initially thought you meant to be married and then have a reception (with gifts and the like) for the people not invited to the wedding, which I thought was tacky, but upon re reading, I see that you state you don't care about gifts and don't need anything.