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How do I get my friends to implement some basic sanitary standards?

My married friends Jay and Helen display a complete lack of sanitation and hygiene when serving food. I am good friends with them and enjoy going to their home, but I dread eating or drinking anything there. I've given them a few hints but would really like to go all out and tell them what I think. Since they have a son who is just about to turn 2, I think it is especially important, so I'm wondering if I can use the health of their son as an excuse for talking to them. I realize that it isn't my business what they do at home by themselves, but if they are inviting people over and serving them food and drinks I think they have some sort of obligation to follow some basic rules. I admit to being a little bit of a germophobe, but I don't have any complaints about any of my other friends when I eat and drink in their homes, and I know they aren't perfect, and I'm not either. I'm not expecting them to go to extremes (such as hairnets or latex gloves), and I don't do that myself either. I was looking online for perhaps some online articles to forward to them, but a lot of what I found was for people in the restaurant business. Most of what I found for the home was for cooking, thawing, raw food, etc. I'm sure they aren't sanitary about that either. While there was a lot about washing hands, there was little or nothing mentioned about how to handle the plates, utensils, etc., and I think that the people who write these rules and tips don't realize how disgusting some people are. People like my friends need very detailed rules because I don't think they understand the concept or care. If I can find a book that goes into all this I would be happy to buy it for them as a gift. Yesterday I was at their home for a birthday party for their son. Here is what I observed: 1. Helen disposed of a used diaper in the garbage pail without washing her hands afterwards, then handled food. I’m certain that she didn’t wash her hands after changing the diaper, but it is possible that she could have used hand sanitizer as I wasn’t present in the room. In any case her hands were contaminated when she threw out the diaper and they weren’t washed. 2. Helen emptied bag of chips into a bowl, sticking her hand in the bag to help take the chips out, rather than just pointing the bag down and pouring them from the bag. 3. Helen used her hands in assisting her to place the slices of birthday cake on the plates. She used a regular knife to cut the cake, and I think with a cake knife it would have been easier to use the knife to move the cake to the plate without touching it. 4. While serving the birthday cake (and touching it as explained in item 3 above), Helen licked her fingers. 5. Helen handled the pizza in an unsanitary manner, touching it unnecessarily. To some extent this may have been difficult to avoid because the pizza had to be heated in the microwave. 6. Utensils for the birthday cake were in the plastic bag they were purchased in, but the bag was torn open on the end that touches the food, not the handle end. This makes it difficult for people to take a utensil without touching other utensils. 7. Jay handed me a cup of water with his hands over the top of the cup. 8. Drink cups were arranged face up rater than face down. 9. I was pleasantly surprised that they used a ladle like serving spoon for the bowl of ice, but I think that tongs would have been better. The other guests were unsanitary as well, and I saw them sticking the ladle inside their cups, possibly touching cups that they drank out of already. 10. I don’t know if either of them washes their hands when using the bathroom, but I can’t say for sure. I've witnessed Jay not washing his hands when using a public bathroom. I don’t know about his wife, but it wouldn't surprise me if she didn't either. ladydi - I have been friends with Jay for 23 years, and he and his wife are both very nice people. I’m not going to get rid of friends because they are lacking in their sanitary habits. But I need to reconsider whether or not to eat or drink anything in their home. Diane - I’m actually a pretty big slob, but I’m careful about washing my hands, and extra careful when serving food to guests. Their friends and family are probably almost as bad, but I still don’t think they’re anywhere close to normal. One of the main rules I was brought up with, and one of the few rules I would never even think of disobeying, was that we always had to wash our hands after using the bathroom. I think my other friends are a lot more careful about things, or at the very least what they do wrong isn’t as obvious. Antikythera - All I’m really asking is that if they’re serving food, they keep their hands clean and make more of an effort to avoid touching anything that is going into someone else’s mouth. At the party there wasn’t room to leave the pizza boxes on the table, so it probably wasn’t unreasonable for them to touch the slices when they had to serve and reheat it in the microwave. That wouldn’t have bothered me as much if they weren’t doing all those other things and I thought that their hands were clean. The last time I was over their house for dinner we had the pizza box on the table, so if I wanted another slice, it was easy for me to get it myself. But she took out a slice, put it on her paper plate - the plate she already used to eat off of - and asked me if I wanted it. I did refuse that slice and said that it was unsanitary. She wasn’t trying to save money on paper plates, I had my own plate already, so I think it is more a lack of common sense than anything else. ladydi - I didn't like any of the answers, and originally I was going to select Diane's as best because it seemed to be the most reasonable. I wasn't going to select your answer, until I woke up during the night with a mild sore thoat. Usually that is what happens first before I get a cold, hope it is just that and not e. coli. I'm not going to drop them as friends, but for my own safety I will no longer eat or drink anything in their home unless it is brought in from the outside and handled by me only - and that includes paper plates, cups, utensils, etc. If they have a problem with that, it is their fault for being disgusting, not mine. The last time I had them over for pizza, I told them that they weren't allowed to touch it and I would get it for them, and they still refused to listen. So they won't be invited again unless they agree in advance not to touch anything, and I think I should pour some hand sanitizer into their hands when they enter my apartment.

Public Comments

1. It's been my experience that they'll never learn--"it is what it is". In the future, decline all invitations to their parties in a polite manner (if it's for the kid, you can always just send a gift instead). Anything you say is going to be taken as a personal attack. I'd get some different friends, frankly....it's not like you're related to these people. If they ask why you're avoiding them, then have a heart-to-heart talk. They were never taught how to do things and I'm betting really don't care either. Anytime you'd go over, you're going to be on constant guard watching for every little thing>>so why get sick over it...just don't go. That dirty diaper business tells me all I need to know.
2. Sorry, and I'm fairly conscious of reasonable sanitariness too, but these people aren't very different from average so I think that you may be more germaphobic (mysophobic) than you realize. Most of your examples were extremely minor (even to me), and nothing much more than you'd get just handling things in public or their phone/computer/door handles/etc, or kissing someone, etc. It isn't even healthy for humans to live in a completely sanitary world since our immune systems would get flabby and not work, though that doesn't mean that certain things aren't worse than others or that isn't reasonable to limit the number of exposures. (See also the latest research on ordinary outdoor "dirt" and immune system development). Reactions like that to silverware and dishware, etc., is common for mysophobes. The one you might be able to mention to her is the diaper one, since you could easily find stuff online about how that could be a problem for the baby in some situations. But I'll have to say also that until you've changed diapers all day, for years, you may not really know how disruptive it would be to wash after every one...or exactly how she may be doing it that reduces risk in the first place. In fact, baby poop molecules are probably on just about every surface of that house just from the baby living there, not to mention human ones --everywhere. As for mysophobia, you might want to see where on the continuum of degree of symptoms you might fall (e.g., how much order you need in your life, how "right" things need to seem before you're comfortable, whether you have checking compulsions, etc).
3. Honestly? If you keep your house spit-shine clean and everything sterilized, your kid is going to grow up allergic to everything and with a weak immune system. Let it go.